Goodbye to Dreams

As I’ve begun ringing in the New Year, a lot of thoughts have crossed my mind. It’s this time of year that you look back on what you’ve done in the past 12 months–what you’ve accomplished, what’s changed. You think back on the mistakes you’ve made that you have sworn to never make again. You remember the times that you were so engulfed in some horrible or stressful experience that you thought you’d never make it out with your sanity still in tact. But still, somehow you did–more or less. You think back on the wonderful things that have happened, and you smile at the memory of the joy you felt in those moments. And, if you’re in a similar position to mine, you long to feel that joy once more.

I have this little tradition of sorts that I’ve done for quite a few years now. Every year, when December 31st rolls around, I pull out my journal and dedicate an entry to remembering the year. I write a short paragraph to start off, quickly summarizing my general feelings about how the year went for me. Some years I feel things went pretty smoothly. Other years, I feel things weren’t quite as smooth, but that made room for me to learn a lot. And still other years, I feel as though I’m simply not the same person I was 12 months earlier.

Then I start the list. I begin listing, one by one, certain things that happened during the past year that I felt were significant in my life. Someone passing away, someone being born, some huge decision I made that changed the course of my life, someone new that I met who has had an impact on my life, or something awful that happened close to home that has changed my perspective. I’ll even throw a few smaller things in there, like what new TV shows I’m now addicted to or what new book I’ve read that has now made it to my top five list.

It’s a time of reflection for me, a time of remembrance. This year, however, for the first time since I started this tradition, I’ve failed to write this journal entry. Part of me simply forgot–I mean, holy cow did this month fly by. But on December 31st, 2014 later in the afternoon when I did remember that the time had come to write that annual journal entry, I decided I simply didn’t want to. So I didn’t.

The reason? I didn’t know how I felt about what had happened this past year. And some of it I didn’t want to reflect on. You see, while some very wonderful things have happened these last 12 months, there have also been many goodbyes. And let me tell you something about me–I’m awful with goodbyes. I’m very very sentimental. I don’t like to let go of things that mean something to me. If you want an easy way to make me cry (which isn’t actually that hard to find, really), just put me in a situation where I have to say goodbye to something–or someone–that means something special to me.

And watch the (very ugly) waterworks flow.

This past year, I’ve said goodbye to friends who were once special to me–who still are. Knowing that the time had come when we were going to walk separate ways and most likely not see each other again–at least not in the same way we had for so long now. I’ve said goodbye to a place that became my second home for 3 years. A place where I learned so much about myself and about the world around me and about what kind of person I wanted to be. Of course, that place is still there, but I can no longer feel like I’m a part of it.

I’ve said a very bitter sweet goodbye (albeit not a “forever” goodbye) to my best friend in life, who found her dream job halfway across the country. I had hoped and prayed that she would get the job because I knew it would make her happy. What I didn’t anticipate was how much I would miss having her around whenever I wanted to randomly go somewhere or try something or have a breakfast date with someone or watch a movie at 1am with someone.

I’ve said a very difficult and long goodbye to what I would call an entire “era” of my life–being in school and being a kid.

And finally, I’ve said goodbye to some dreams. As much as I believe in going after your dreams and never accepting that they’re impossible, I cannot deny that some dreams are, in fact, impossible. And I believe that’s one of the most difficult things a person has to accept in life–especially if that person has a considerable knack for dreaming. I still have dreams that I hope to achieve someday–dreams that I believe can quite possibly come true if I try. But others remain that, over the course of the past 12 months, have slowly lost their tangibility to me.

It’s quite agonizing, in a very silent way. It causes pain in a place very deep down inside of you. A place where you don’t let many people in, a place you don’t let many people see…if any.

I once wrote a blog post that got me the most reads to date on this blog–which, I’m quite aware, wasn’t really that significant of an amount. But it meant a lot to me because it was a post where I wrote what was on my heart, and I wrote it with passion and honesty. I believed in it. And I still do. I’ve gone back and read A Life Worth Living many times since I wrote it, and I still believe every word.

But might I add just a little bit more? Something I’ve learned since then. Yes, it’s a wonderful thing to have dreams. And yes, I believe that you should pursue your dream to the ends of the earth if you need to. But I also believe it’s important to know which dreams can become realities and which ones simply cannot.

One of the most difficult things I’ve learned this year is that sometimes you can’t have all of your dreams come true. Some dreams are meant to remain dreams. And you know what? I’ve come to be kind of okay with that. After all, if all my dreams came true, then I wouldn’t have any more dreams at all.

And dreaming is a part of who I am. I think it’s in all of us. I have many dreams, but I now know which ones I’d like to actually see come true, and which ones I’d like to just keep as dreams. I’ll pull them out to look at them every now and then, but that’s all they need to be to me.

It’s a hard thing for me to swallow. Which is perhaps why I’m not sure how I feel about this past year. Having learned this, I can’t decide if I’m happy or sad that I did. I guess it’s a little bit of both.

But you know what it has done for me? It’s made me that much more excited about the dreams that I do want to go after. The dreams that I don’t want to remain dreams. The dreams that I can’t let remain dreams. And I guess if I have to make a New Year’s resolution, that’s it.

To put away the dreams that are meant to remain dreams, and to go after the ones that are meant to come true.

Maybe they won’t come true this year (in fact, I’m pretty sure they won’t). But I can start moving that direction, anyway.

In the meantime, I think I’ll pull out my journal. I’ve just thought of something pretty significant that happened to me this year, no matter how I feel about it.