Purge and Anchor

If you’ve ever read my post from two years ago titled Goodbye To Dreams, you’ll be familiar with my little New Year’s tradition I’m about to go over again. Short version — every year on New Year’s Eve, I pull out my journal and I write an entry dedicated to re-capping my year. I start off listing significant events, and then finish off the entry with a paragraph or two summing up my general feelings about the year and any general “life lessons” I felt the year taught me.

Two years ago when I wrote that post, I shared that I hadn’t written that journal entry yet because I wasn’t sure how I felt about that year yet. That year was very significant to me, don’t get me wrong. But you know the beautiful thing about journaling or having a blog? You get to look back on times like that and think, “Oh, you just wait, sweetheart. You have no idea what’s coming.”

This year, I didn’t break my tradition. I wrote that journal entry on New Year’s Eve. But I’ll be a bit transparent with you — I wrote it from a dark place. Looking over it again now, it sounds very…tired. It’s so heavy and depressed. And bear in mind, I wrote this only just over a week ago. I usually go into the New Year feeling hopeful and excited and sentimental. But this year, I just felt tired (and not because I stayed up late…I am still young, after all).

It’s been the “trendy” thing to talk about 2016 being a horrible year, but that’s not what I’m going for here. It was actually a great year for me for the most part. But on New Year’s Eve when I wrote that journal entry, I just felt…stuck. I was smack dab in the middle of one of those “moments” where I just felt like I was a waste of God’s time. After all the work He had done in me over the past year, I was still screwing it all up. And I just couldn’t see past all of the negative crap that I had surrounded myself with in my self-loathing.

I was a hot mess. A gooey, muddy, wishy-washy, depressing, lonely, pathetic mess.

And finally, I submitted to doing the one thing that I had been putting off for so long — which was also the one and only thing I knew could get me out of my mess. I brought my mess to God — literally just laid it down and said, “Here. I’m a mess of my own mess. I know it. And I know that only You can get me out of it. So here it is. Take it, and replace it with You.” And I went to bed.

And I woke up the next morning, and I actually went to church. And of course the sermon was about “New Beginnings,” like any good New Year’s Day sermon would be. But it was inspiring, nonetheless. Then I came home, and that’s when the magic happened.

I started cleaning. At first it was just the usual cleaning — things that I do on a weekly basis. But then I started cleaning more things that I hadn’t cleaned in a while. And then I started dusting. And then I started organizing. And before I knew it, I couldn’t stop. I went for hours, you guys. I threw two full trash bags worth of stuff away. I organized my kitchen cupboards. Nothing in my apartment was safe. It was a full-on PURGE. 

And then when I finally had nothing left to clean (save behind the fridge, because I’m still too scared to look back there), I plopped onto my couch and let out a long, deep breath, soaking in the clean smell of Febreeze and Pledge. And it felt wonderful.

That’s when it came to me. That was God’s answer to me. That was His solution. It was time for a purge. And not a mild one — a complete overhaul was in order.

I had filled my life with so many things that were weighing my spirit down. I had sought comfort in things that ultimately would never bring me true comfort. I had collected sin after sin after sin in an effort to make myself feel better about the one sin that I hadn’t been able to face. The one that I hadn’t been able to hand over. The one still lurking in the shadows.

And it was time to bring everything out into the light. And then…to light a match to it.

So I am eleven days into my purge. I still catch myself allowing one or two messy things into my everyday life. But I’m getting better at promptly throwing them out. I’ve done my best to clear out the mess. I stopped watching that TV show that I knew was a stumbling block for me. I stopped listening to that music. I stopped following that page on Facebook because I knew I was only following it because it made me angry — and I liked getting angry at it.

I’m clearing out the mess — just like I did in my apartment. But with one exception.

I’m also getting to that space behind the fridge. That dark corner of my spirit where that musty, dirty, icky stuff is. The stuff that’s been there forever but has been so easy to just keep out of sight and out of mind. The stuff that I’ve been too scared to face. Stuff that I’ve been too scared to try to let go of. Meanwhile, that dirt has been contaminating every other area of my life, whether I’d like to admit it or not. So I’m letting God get to the metaphorical “space behind the fridge” of my spirit.

But the purging is only half of it. Now it’s time to fill that space up with Truth. It’s time to reset my focus. Instead of filling my life with the things the world dangles in front of me, I need to fill it with the Spirit of my God. And instead of chasing after every debate, fantasy, and lie that the world tries to lure me with, I need to set my anchor in the Truth that my God has given me.

So I’ll listen to this edifying music instead. I’ll follow this Truth-filled page on Facebook instead (and better yet, I’ll spend less time on Facebook, period). Instead of watching that show, I’ll spend time in the Word. I’ll take a walk outside around the beautiful town I live in for once in my life. Or heck, maybe I’ll write more.

God has asked for all of me. Every nook and cranny of my life and of my spirit. And He has called me to be a guardian of His Truth and His Word. Now more than ever, His children need to cling to Truth and hold fast to it with all of their strength. Because the world is trying to lure us away from it with things they claim are better.

It’s only been eleven days, but this purge-and-anchor has already had a profound impact. God doesn’t ask for all of me for no good reason. He asks for all of me so that He can give all of me complete and true freedom in Him. So that He can fill all of me with His Spirit. So that He can breathe life into all of me — life the way He meant for His children to live it.

So let this be the year that I started with the good ol’ Purge-and-Anchor. It likely won’t be the last time I have to do it. I’m not perfect, and I’m sure I’ll find the need to do it again and again and again. But boy, am I glad that I’m finally doing it for the first time.

Here’s to 2017 and every adventure it holds.

 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.   – Philippians 4:8